For a long while now I have had some issues with depression. The last time it got really bad, I got my dog, Missy. She helped and does help a lot. She gets me out of my head, she makes me focus on something else. These last few months it got bad again and I had some other health issues. I thought the health issues were causing my tiredness, my lack of get up and go. I had some lumps appear on my glands and neck. I knew they weren’t cancerous because they appeared way too fast for that. Had some tests done which of course took ages, they found another lump full of fluid on my thyroid gland. Turns out they are fine, nothing to worry about. My thyroid levels were normal, so it wasn’t that causing this tiredness.

So I knew what it was after all the tests. My depression. With me it not about self-harm or suicide. It’s wanting to sleep all the time, but when I do sleep it interrupted all the time and hard for me to switch off. It’s just a complete and utter lack of emotions. I compartmentalize really easily, always have but with my depression it different. There is nothing there. I smile and laugh automatically because I know that is the correct response. I am not smiling because I am happy or I find it funny. It’s just a reaction. A built-in response.

I had enough of it. I knew I should be feeling something. But I wasn’t. So I finally went to the doctors and I am now on anti-depressants. I am at the stage where it waits for the drugs to kick in, see if I need a bigger dosage or a different tablet. Been on about a little over three weeks now, I have my good days and I have my bad days.

Also, I am weird with food, always have been. I have IBS = irritable bowel syndrome. I’ve had it since I was 11 but only got it labeled when I was 17. I don’t eat because I am hungry, I eat because I know I should eat. I can’t force myself to eat something random either, I have to eat something that I fancy or that has been stuck in my head all day. I never feel full either. I just have learned when to stop because I know it will affect my IBS. With my depression, it is more I can’t be bothered to go cook something. So lucky enough with these new drugs I am on, I am actually hungry for a change. But there is still the element of I can’t be fucked to go cook something lol.

So yeah this isn’t a pity me kind of post, it just an explanation of why my posts have nonexisting. I will be trying to fix that, just bear with me, please.

I still don’t like cheese.