Now, this piece is a few years old. So I do apologize up front. I also apologize for my weird brain. I had this idea pop into my head while putting bake beans on the shelf at work. I was giggling like a crazy person to myself for like 5 minutes and had to write it down on a piece of cardboard. Anyway, I would so grateful like, throw cheese at you grateful if you could give me any input about my style. I always go back and forth with is my style shit? Does it work? Do I write like a 2 year old eg?

Oh, she is gay and works for the police as a crime scene photographer. Just for a little context.


Wiggling my nose, I tried to sink back into that deep, dark place of sleep. Scratching my nose. What is that smell? Opening one eye slowly, I could make out an object in front of me. Since when did I own a motorbike. Since never. But why is there one there…This isn’t my flat is it? Oh god. Opening both eyes, I looked around. Working my mouth up and down, so dry. Everything is a bit fuzzy too. Was I drinking again? That’s a silly question. I tried to get up but very quickly realised I couldn’t. Something is laying on my leg. Glancing to my side, I saw a guy. I jumped back, fell and hit my ass on the floor next to the bed. Oh my god, oh my god. That is a guy. Guiltily I peeked up to see if I had woken him with my escape. Nope. Phew.


What have I done. Well at least am not naked. Plus one to stupid me. Not like being in my bra and underwear is much better. Crawling around on hands and knees, I tried to find my clothes. This place puts mine to shame, it huge and it smells like someone died in here. Ok…What was that?… Something touched my foot. I kicked wildly at it until I realised it was my top. Must have fallen off that table. I closed my mouth to try and stop myself giggling hysterically. Putting my top on was like trying to climb a mountain. Why does it have so many holes? Wait is this the bottom of the top or the top of the top. Is my brain even on. Quick what’s a math problem….Got nothing. Oh well. Struggling into the top I kicked a bottle.


Like shhing at a bottle is going to help this situation. Ah! Yes am in, oh yeah. Where’s my cookie. Right where are my jeans. I stood up, way too quickly, wow. Shouldn’t have done that. Uh oh, ok. Where is the…Nope! Not going to make it. Glancing around in panic, I grabbed the closest thing to puke in. Looking down on myself, I had completely missed myself. Score two for the drunken lady. Glancing down I then realised what I was holding, a bike helmet. I had puked in his helmet. Shit. Over towards the bed I started hearing groaning. What do I do?! Running around in panic, going back and forth. I didn’t know what to do with the helmet.


With a quick toss, I threw the helmet out of the window. 10 seconds later. Bang. Cat scream. Car alarm. Wow, I really threw that. Good shot. I thought cat screams and car alarms only happened in movies.

“You ok?”

Glancing out of the window. I stared so hard at the moon, my eyes were watering. Behind me I heard padding of feet. Turning quickly before he could put his arms around me.

“Yeah, am good. Needed some…em.”

Blank. God brain work for crying out loud. He beat me to it.


“Yes! Air.”

A moment of silence.

“I need to get going.”

‘Oh ok.’

More silence

“You know you can stay if you like?”

“No I’m good thanks”

I stood there covering my arms around my chest. So awkward, this has to be the most embarrassing moment of my life.

“Well anyway. Need my stuff, seen any of it?”

“Yeah your jackets is on the sofa. Boots are there too.”

Making my way through the minefield of boxes and bottles. Placing my jacket on. He went to go back towards the bed.

“Found your jeans.”

I rubbed my hands over my face to try and rub this night out of my head. He threw the jeans at me. They landed on me. I quickly grabbing them off my face.


I slowly put my feet into my jeans, just as I was pulling them up I lost my balance. Landing straight onto my back. I heard a short laugh, then a cough. Laying there I just stared up at the ceiling. Could my day get any worse?!

“You ok?”


I pulled the jeans on while on the floor then sat up and put my boots on.

“If you wait a min, I’ll get dressed and walk you to your place if you like”

“Thanks a lot but am good. Am not far from here”

From here? Where is here? I better not be far, else I’ll land on my face instead of my back. Slowly standing up, I tried so hard not to stagger towards the door and failing miserable. Glancing behind me, he had already gotten back into bed. Shame really, he quite hot. Few more steps before freedom. When I reached the door, it wouldn’t open. Like it was wedged or something. Come on. Let me escape, before he notices his helmet is gone.

“Turn the handle the other way”

Turning the handle the other way, the door opened easily. I am putting it down to I had loosened it up.